h I r S c h Rolls (and Wipes) Through India

hirsch-illo-fl2In an un-edited outtake from or man h I r S c h’s blog (www.makesomedaytoday.blogspot.com), we catch up with the ever-wandering cyclist and his Kona Unit as he explores the magic burl of southern India

but, my little ones, when you’re donkey’ing around in the desert and the choice is no water or that water, you shuffle the deck and hope you don’t get jacked

but i got jacked, kids, i got jacked and my intestines got whacked and my gall bladder shriveled to a small little sack and i was full of bile that i left in piles across those desolate miles and i was in a heap of hurt and squatting in fields often with audience and what could i do but let ‘er rip because it was either in a field with an audience or soil in my shorts and if the truth must be told, as it must, it was sometimes a combination of the two and then i ran out of things to wipe with and i said hell but as heaven would have it there was a village nearby so i began a hunt and hell’s bells my little children, mercy did not shineth upon me and farts weren’t just farts and i was a mess and my poor little duodenum and my collapsing colon and even my semicolon; they was all twisted and tied and braided and lashed and i still had stuff inside me desperate for freedom and me desperate with wanting to provide emancipation but i had not a scrape of nothing left to wipe with so i – with sphincter in full contraction and atp running low – dashed around this little village trying to find anything and nothing was to be found and then as it always happens the english speaker finds me and tells me “we do not use those things, we use our hands” and then he reaches out and shakes my hand and i gotta go, i mean, i gotta go and then i see a little old man selling peanuts and candies and i see he’s got a newspaper and load almighty i hope he’s already read the thing so i make my hand gestures hopefully indicating that i would like to buy that newspaper off him and he starts to hand it to me and i’m so thankful but then he’s incredulous and i’m thinking hell kiddo, if you only knew what’s about to happen and the tragic consequences it will have for both your little shop here and my shorts but the thing is he picks up the paper and by now of course i’ve got a crowd following me and i am in pain i mean toe-scrunching-biting-the-inside-of-my-cheeks-eye-squinting pain, and he starts saying whatever it is he’s saying and he points and they all look at the paper and then they all look at me and then back at the paper and i’m thinking what in tarnation’s going on here meanwhile focusing on that continual sphincter contraction and by now i’ve got sweat droplets popping out on my upper lip and forehead in anticipation for the event that must happen oh so muy pronto and then he – thank the load and cheesus rice – he hands me the paper and heavens to betsy i grab it and then i’m incredulous because, strike me dead at this very moment if i’m lying, there i am, and of course there i was, but what i mean to say is that – may allah end my life if i am lying – there i was right there on the gold blessed front page of this paper, a dashing picture i must say, with a story in hindi to boot and this is india, boys and girls, this is india, this mad, mad country where any and everything happens but the symphony of my organs suddenly roared into a crescendo and so i sprinted to my bike and i sat hard on that seat of mine which was helping to act as some sort of crude cork and found a place to drop my drawers and there was a massive no false alarm evacuation and having given off so much guano, it was time for clean-up and i got out that newspaper and took a look at myself and just couldn’t bring myself to wipe myself with myself feeling it would be some sort of blasphemic sacrilege, and so i delved into the other pages and ended up using the hindi version of dennis the menace and thereby saving myself and remaining righteous to the edicts of this sign because i didn’t urinate, i just pooped, although the consistency and color of the whole shabang might lead one to believe i not only violated dennis the menace.